Since I found out I was pregnant, I've been asked if I would breastfeed. Back then (I was only 19 going on 20!) I had no answer because pregnancy was a whole new thing to me. None of my peers were married, much less pregnant or have had kids so I hadn't heard anything at all. That's when I started picking up brochures about breastfeeding at the clinic and hospital and started reading up more. I decided why not since it benefits the baby? No harm trying.
I remember the first time I tried to breastfeed Kaitlin, I didn't know what I was supposed to do. How to latch? Was I suffocating her? The list of questions went on. Thankfully there were nurses to help. Though it was difficult, carrying Kaitlin in my arms and watching her feed felt like the most special moment ever. I felt so tremendously close to her, a bond that could not be broken. I actually felt that "Hey! Maybe I could do this mom thing afterall". Yeah well that thought lasted for a few seconds.
For the rest of my hospital stay, I was struggling with becoming a new mom. Don't get me wrong, I was very happy but I also felt completely lost and afraid. Afraid that I would accidentally harm my newborn. When it got to the middle of the night and I was alone, I had difficulty latching Kaitlin on. It didn't help that the mom sharing the same room as me was so very experienced (she had been breastfeeding for more than 2 years!). I felt so much pressure at that point in time I almost broke down. Imagine. Crying new born, helpless new mom. I thought of giving up.
Latching on wasn't the only problem I had to deal with. I also had to deal with my fair share of lack of support from the ones around me. The confinement nanny that we had felt that I did not have sufficient milk for Kaitlin and that was why she was crying. Obviously being first time panicky parents, the husband and I were both worried. I wanted to try exclusive breastfeeding for awhile longer, but being coerced by the nanny, Daddy Li and my mom-in-law felt it was best to give Kaitlin some formula milk. So there, we had our first conflicting views as parents. I eventually agreed as I didn't want Kaitlin to starve, but what really angered me was that they tried to give her more formula milk behind my back. Imagine how fuming mad I was that they did not respect me as the mother and would not trust my mommy instincts. No matter the information I gave them from books that I read and information online, they just wouldn't believe that it was possible to breastfeed and understand that I needed some time and to consistently latch Kaitlin on.
I continued breastfeeding and they gave formula milk to Kaitlin whenever they thought she needed it. To make sure that I had a good supply of milk, I consumed whatever suggestions and recommendations I had heard and read, like fish papaya soup, red dates longan tea and drank more fluids and ate bigger portions.
I had also wanted to directly breastfeed Kaitlin whenever she woke up in the middle of the night but the nanny gave reasons why I shouldn't. I don't know why I listened but I did and ended up expressing my milk out so that the she could feed Kaitlin using the bottle.
The next absurd thing that happened was that my confinement nanny told me Kaitlin was probably not used to my milk and that's why she kept having reflux. That's when she tried to convince us to switch completely to formula milk. Obviously I refused and she wasn't happy.
I honestly was pretty upset by all this. Though I did read up and stuff, I was still a first-time mom and having lack of support really made me feel quite down and unsure of myself.
Till today I don't own a breast pump. So how did I express my milk? I did it cave woman style! I manually expressed it with my hands, and the husband would help too. I was so uncertain as to how long I would be breastfeeding that I did not want to purchase a breast pump. Eventually when the confinement nanny left, I directly latched Kaitlin on and whenever I had excess I would just manually pump it out and store it in the freezer.
Having gone through all that, I never imagined that I would be breastfeeding Kaitlin till she was 27 months old but I'm glad I held on to what I believed was the best for her. Despite the engorgement, occasional bites from her and sleepless nights, I feel it is all worth it.
I had on several attempts tried to wean Kaitlin off but I never continued cos I just couldn't bear to see her cry. I also realised that I too was not ready to let go off this bond I shared with her. I figured that maybe one day she wouldn't want to breastfeed anymore and I will take that as a sign to stop but it didn't happen.
I eventually made the decision to wean Kaitlin off as it seemed to be affecting her sleep. I kind of became a human pacifier, and she would latch on for comfort more than for milk to fill her tummy. I wanted her to be able to self-soothe and sleep through the night. In fact it was an on-the-spot decision I made while we were in bed. I thought I was kidding myself and probably would latch her back on in the middle of the night or the next day but surprisingly I didn't.
To get Kaitlin to wean off, I simply explained to her that my breasts were painful and if she were to latch they would really hurt. She did cry but she could understand what I meant as well so it wasn't a very difficult process. Distracting her with toys and activities did help alot as well.
I definitely learnt alot from this breastfeeding journey with Kaitlin:
Don't let others dictate how you should bring up your child. If you want to breastfeed, go ahead. If you choose formula milk, you're not a bad mom either. Just do what you believe is the best and that's all that matters.
Breastfeeding can be difficult at the start or even when you have got the hang of it, but if you want to continue it is possible. You might have to drink more fluids and no harm in trying foods that are said to increase your milk supply. What I feel is most important is feeling positive about it, even whether you have support or not.
Having small goals help. I initially gave myself a week, 1 month, 3 months, 6 months then a year. After a year I was so happy I successfully breastfed longer than I had expected. After that it just went on.
Learning to get your baby to latch on well can be tough at first but you'll get the hang of it soon. When they become a toddler, be prepared for them to nurse in all sorts of almost yoga-like positions.
Wean when you feel you are ready. Don't be swayed by other people's opinions. You shouldn't have to feel pressured to stop nursing your child.
If your a mom struggling with breastfeeding, or a mom-to-be considering to breastfeed your baby, I hope this post has helped you feel less alone. Many at times, I did feel very alone especially without friends in such situations, but what really helped me through it was reading the stories of other moms and knowing that what may seem impossible is actually doable.
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This post is a part of a Blog Train hosted by Madeline at MadPsychMum. You can read the breastfeeding journey of 23 other moms by clicking on the button above.
Next on the blog train is Estella from So Oddly Dreamlike.
Mama to a little girl named Joy, Estella is passionate about breastfeeding. She spends her time learning to cook, teach and bring up the love of her life. Estella loves make up, shoes, food and travelling and has recently return to life as an occasional singer/host.
Although Estella enjoys every breastfeeding moment now, but it hasn't always been so. The honest truth about how she managed to breastfeed for 28 months tomorrow on So Oddly Dreamlike.
Oh I warned my family that if they so much as feed my baby a drop of formula without my permission I would scream at them.. you know hormonal & all that. No one dared to do it but challenge me they did and hell I fought back! Crazy I know. Haha.
ReplyDeleteI know what you mean! At least they listened to you. I think sometimes it's cos of the lack of support that makes us even more unsure of ourselves, and perhaps why some moms even fall into post-natal depression. After seeing that I could breastfeed our child for so long, my husband already knows better to support me, lesson learnt haha!
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